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Talking To Myself.

“Why is it upsetting me that I talk to random people about the books I’ve read?”

“Because they drift off somewhere when you share stuff about it?”

“They?”

“Your friends.”

“It’s the only thing that I can talk about and they drift off?”

“You’re so dense you wouldn’t realize it after minutes of talking.”

“I listen to their stories. Oh well, I don’t mind them notlistening. I guess.”

“It’s their stories.”

“And?”

“It’s them. Not a book.”

“But I don’t have a story.”

“Well, stories about you that are intriguing and interesting are the only things that will land you to friendship.”

“The random people I talk to about books seem to enjoy it.”

“You get bored too.”

“Yeah, but I barely talk about books.”

“Cause you barely talk at all.”

“That means…?”

“You’re only talking about other people’s stories and not yours.”

“Maybe I should tell them how messed up my parents are.”

“But they’re not.”

“Oh yeah.”

“They have worse family problems.”

“What would take their interest?”

“Love.”

“Love, HA!”

“It’s so ridiculous to you.”

“Because it is. Do you expect me to tell stories about the guys I like and how they seemingly give me signs that they like me back and then I realize in the end that they really don’t give a shit?”

“They would feel sorry for you and comfort you.”

“And?”

“Be closer to you.”

“But I don’t feel bad and I never think the guys I like, like me back, it’s so embarrassing, for the guy’s sake.”

“You’re so full of pride.”

“I thought I was the opposite.”

“Why?”

“Because I think I don’t have the right to have a crush on them. That it’s embarrassing for them to know that someone like me, likes them.”

“But you’re also constricted.”

“typing…www.thesaurus.com”

“Meaning, you don’t want your friends to see you in a weak state.”

“Well, damn, I sure don’t.”

“Because it damages your pride.”

“I see. But then again, I don’t feel comfortable when people show their weakness so easily. It’s as if saying, PITY ME! OH! YES! OH!”

“Ew.”

“WHAT?!”

“Your erotic self emerges.”

“Be wholesome. Be gone.”

“Ok ok, whatever, I understand you.”

“You’re me.”

“BESIDE THAT POINT. It’s not like you’re showing it easily. You’ve been showing them you cannot stumble for years so I guess it’s ok now to let your friends know you can be madly in love or hurt.”

“But I’m not.”

“Sometimes, you are. Even about little crushes.”

“But it’s just temporary.”

“So is being madly in love…unless you’re married..or whatever.”

“I can shrug it off as easily as..well, shrugging it off.”

“That’s the bad part.”

“Eh? I thought being able to take care of myself, emotionally, is good.”

“Have you watched a skit where the wife let the man open doors and pickle jars for her even though she can?”

“Lets”

“Typo. let it slip.”

“But they’re husband and wife.”

“Dude, I guess it’s the same thing with friends. You let them help you to make them closer to you and perharps you closer to them as well.”

“Huh.”

“Like how you want to help your mom but you know you can’t and you’re irritated that she doesn’t really make you feel you’re helping.”

“But she was crying like there’s no tomorrow. It’s like saying, HEEELP MEEEE. Then when you try to help, she kills you.”

“And the difference with you… is?”

“The difference is that I never cry out. Because I don’t need help. I will cry out if I need help, but in the mean time I do not.”

“You have a heart of stone.”

“Keshi has told me that for years now.”

“Must’ve sunk in then.”

“I don’t like them helping unless I really need one.”

“But you mostly don’t need one and it’s trouble.”

“Don’t they get tired if they help too many friends.”

“Will you?”

“No.”

“Then no.”

“But -”

“Your almighty pride.”

“Shut it.”

“Let loose”

“Foot loose…”

“I’m not going with it.”

“Why not?”

“Whatever. You gotta be more truthful to yourself.”

“I hate being hurt and them knowing I was.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“Well, they never seem to get over it. I will shrug it off
easily with my awesome ability-kidding- but they won’t
stop festering me about it. I bet that even if I say I’m fine
they would think I’m not.”

“Will you really be fine.”

“Of course! If I’m not then I’ll seek for their help!”

“hmm…”

“Their concern will turn to annoyance.”

“How revolting.”

“Typing…www.dictionary.com”

“You despise me.”

“I really don’t know what ‘revolting’ means.”

“By science?”

“By science.”

“By heart?”

“I know.”

“Go with the heart.”

“I’ll make mistakes most of the time.”

“And science?”

“Keeps the facts goin’”

“…Will I ever win this conversation?”

“I always want to win. And you are me. So I guess someday, you will. But for now, since I am also me, I will let myself win. Until I really fall in love. Then I will let you be in control.”

“If you let me be in love.”

“I guess, I wouldn’t be able to stop it.”

“Even if you don’t want to?”

“…Maybe.”

“That will take a long time.”

“We’ll wait and see.”

Can’t sleep.

Can’t sleep until my eyes are too heavy to open.

Can’t sleep until the letters from the books I read are double.

Can’t sleep until I’m breathing through my mouth.

Can’t sleep until I sit up.

Can’t sleep until my nose isn’t clogged.

Can’t sleep until I have something to write.

Can’t sleep until all the lights are out.

Can’t sleep until I’ve checked my emails.

Can’t sleep till I’m tired.

Can’t sleep till I’m not too full.

Can’t sleep til I hear the rhythm  of the ac or the electric fan.

Can’t sleep if I hear the clock ticking.

Can’t sleep if it’s humid.

Can’t sleep if it’s too cold.

Can’t sleep if everyone’s already asleep.

Can’t sleep if it’s too quiet.

Can’t sleep…???? Until I finish whatever I need to finish.

grr… anothe selfish blog. >_> oh well, this is friendster.

I don’t pay uch attention to details.

I see my classmates when I was in highschool like they’re new people.

I don’t like looking at people’s faces. Or making eye-contact. It’s so awkward.

I realized that I’ve been avoiding to look at them I easily forget their faces.

Maybe it’s also the factor of my eyes being messed up.

Still, I look at their pictures now and wonder, that was them, yes, I can see it. But does it really look like that? Wow.

They were prettier and cool..er. Before they all look the same to me. I only distinguish them with their manarisms or how they act. Now, I really see the difference in their appearances.

It doesn’t have to do with college or anything.

Or how they wear thicker make-ups now than before.

It’s really just the basic shape of their faces and their eyes.

It’s so, cool. :D
It shows personality. I like looking at people’s pictures unless they’re corny and they take pictures of themselves 500x in one setting and one pose.

Their faces show character and it’s fun to figure their personality out through their appearance.

It could may be “practice” for me at least.

My characters give off the same aura. Sarcastic and a know-it-all. Annoying but nice. Helpful and shy. Forced but natural.

It’s so bland. blant…whatever the word is. :/

like eating the same 8 courses for almost 6 days [breakfast lunch and dinner] I crave for something different.

So far I’ve read The Time Traveler’s wife and the Hunter Games.
I love the first one. I laughed at the second one. The second one is really a game INDEED. I can imagine it in playstation. The first one was brilliant. It’s beyond my reach. Like canon mode. It’s cool. I wish I have more books. More money to buy books. More novel lovers to borrow from. More libraries to choose from - or maybe just loiter. whatever. We all get what I mean. I think.

Horoscopes have always been freaky.

Your Daily Horoscope: November 4, 2009

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sept 22
There may be something connecting your career with a renewed interest in financial matters today, Virgo. This could be a change in the retirement package, or one being made available, or utilizing some vehicle connected with work to begin some form of savings plan. These are all likely actions because this is all about saving for the future, rather than using your money for short-term profit making schemes or personal entertainment. The Moon is giving you the opportunity to look at how to create a financial future for yourself, and it would be good to follow up.
hahahaha oh well.
I WANT TO GO TO SPAIN. XB
Australia is so young and hot.
Spain has more history. haha as if that’s where I’m after. XB
of COURSE that’s what I’m after.
hehe
ok no.
but you know.

I forget more things than what normal people forget.

I saw my classmate’s youtube account and he posted a video that isn’t supposed to be posted. I was forced to take it down a year ago because my teacher said that I shouldn’t post it. Seeing that my classmate had posted I was abashed.

I told him immediately about it when he went online.

[This is how it went, roughly]
Me: You should’ve told me that the video is already allowed to post. I could’ve posted too you know.
Him: Huh? I already told you that, like ages ago. And you said it’s ok, you won’t post it anymore. ['Are you on drugs'  expression]

Then I remember it. It’s so weird that I have forgotten it. I could’ve remembered it when I saw the video but I didn’t.

~*~

Today, I saw a bunch of papers folded in my drawer. I realized that they’re  my sketches. It was dated June, 2009. I have written my story for “recruitment”

I wrote it again this september with almost the same words and the same plot. However when I was writing it two months ago I don’t remember writing the same thing last June.

Sometimes, when I read my stories, my words are all different. They use vocabularies I don’t normally use and sometimes they seem impressive to me. It’s like I didn’t write them.

My memory SUCK.

Can’t get over the TRIP [PTECHS: HONG KONG] RANT

My mom teased me since I was back that I suffer from JET LAG even if hongkong doesn’t have a time difference from Philippines. HAHAHA She jokes around with that stuff cause I wake up at 2:30pm and sleep at 6am.

I am just really annoyed for the past few days. My eldest brother, who has a family now is staying with us when I came home and my brother’s girlfriend who is younger than me [eugh] is sleeping here too, UNTIL NOW. I don’t know why my parents aren’t doing anything about this. My lola lives here too. God.

Anyway, to add it all up we are all 11 in this tiny house. Dad wasn’t home yet when I came home and basically we ran out of food hahahaha. So mom would buy food and then they would swarm over it until there’s none left for me. Me, the one who really lives here. WTH.

haha

Then I wake up and try to take a shower but there’s no water. D: It’s normal. There will be water again by 5pm. I just find it annoying that I can’t use water whenever I want to. Today, there’s something wrong with the booster that sucks water to our tank and now it’s complicated to use water.

I hate how I can’t just use water [hot water too] when I want like in hotels. HAHA

Then I’d wake up and there’s nothing to do. I went to SM yesterday to get away from home that IS NOT MY HOME since I’m totally uncomfortable there. I stayed in SM for a while and bought books [The Time Traveler's Wife and The Hunger Games] and I ate at Shabu Shabu at the food court that tasted like Chinese Food. D:

I read at least the first chapter of Hunger Games before I went home. I detoured at A-chan’s place so I can give her her pasalubong from HK.

I guess I’m still not over the routine the HK trip has given me. hahaha

I realized I can live without the internet. HAHAHA

I didn’t miss it at all during the trip. I try to connect my laptop just because I have a laptop. XD It’s ok if I can’t. When there was internet at the hotel we were staying in in Macau I didn’t bother to stay too long. i just want to sign in to be able to contact my mom.

Internet is something that I do when there’s nothing else to do. Therefore I always have had nothing else to do that’s something worth it for me for the past few years. HAHAHAHAHA jk.

~*~

I also realized I really love travelling.

I’ve been asking myself if I hate it. Specially when my ear felt like EXPLODING when I was on the plane on my way to HK. Or when I was feeling REALLY sick in Ocean Park. I’ve always asked myself, do you want this every time I travel? or can I take it? Hahah I know there will be different shits in every tour or anything that has to do with being abroad but I never told myself that I hate it. I only asked myself but in the end I would say [even if I'm still in a bad condition] that whatever bad thing it is, it’s nothing. It’ll pass.

I need to study hard. So I can have a good job and earn loads of money and travel. :B I’d take my friends with me. HAHAHA For now, I’ll join as many PTECHS tour as possible HAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHA

I kind of hate how I can’t have muffins, bread, yogurt, fruits and ham and bacon for breakfast. AHAHAHA

I want to be stuck in a tight schedule. I would rather fall in a slow line in the immigration than be stuck here at home. :]

This feeling will pass.

My dream last night [Holloween] and candlesticks-clandestines? X]

Last night, I’ve dreamt of my little cousin trying to kill me. She had a huge barbeque stick and she was planning on stabbing my heart. She was only 3 and a half years old.

I don’t know why I dream of such things.

I dream of things that happen in the future… or something that is currently happening.

Usually they have to take years.

But… such realistic settings and characters always end up happening.

Whether the dream was shown as a symbol, or something literal, it happens most of the time.

~*~

Speaking of dreams I have another one.

“I have”, meaning, it’s not just the dreams that happens when I sleep.

It’s the feelings that I have now, that only seem to be fragments of emotions that I can’t fully understand right now.

I think I like someone.

It’s ridiculous.

I don’t even know his name.

It’s unforgivable for someone like me.

I am a hypocrite – a one big ass hypocrite.

But of course, they are only stupid feelings.

Maybe because I haven’t felt something like this in years, that’s why I think I like him.

Do you remember the time when your stomach tightens?

Or when you feel disoriented when you see him extend his different emotions to you or to someone else?

Somehow, you became too curious about everything that surrounds him.

And then you are just… hurt… because you know there is no way he’ll see you…

Like how you see him.

Ang cheesy. :]

I need these feelings I think.

Tribute to the cashier guy at Disney Land. LOL NO, I AM JOKING! DO NOT TAKE ME SERIOUSLY!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Pain is good.

People who are hurt are lucky.

Happiness is felt ten times more than someone who doesn’t know what pain is.

~*~

For the past 6 days I’ve eaten the same meals for breakfast lunch and dinner. Chinese food - petchay, goodness, and weird soup. It tasted great. However, eating it for 6 days straight for bfast, lunch and dinner is tiring. Fatigued, I craved for burgers, fries and ice cream.

I guess it’s something like that.

I’ve always been OK.

I’ve never been hurt emotionally. :)
I must be lucky.

But no.

Somehow, I felt hurt about something I could not say to anyone. I don’t even mention it to myself.

I was hurt. Emotionally-yes.

Instead of pushing it away like normal people would do, I welcomed it with all my heart.

It felt ridiculously good.

It was strange. It was painful. I felt my stomach twist and turn and my breathing becomes heavy. I feel sad. Like I don’t want to feel it again. I feel like crying and I sorta did. Sort of.

I feel angry and mad.

I feel… different.

I love everything new right?

I loved this one.

I still feel sad though.

It made things different and it was entertaining in my part.

I still don’t know myself.

I am happy to know that I can be hurt by something…

by someone.

haha

stupid.

First time leaving the country.

27 hours left before leaving to HK for 6 days.

I’m not excited. =/ dunno why.

………

I do dream of dreams

on a cozy hard sofa

of uncanny lives

[10/15/09]