“Why is it upsetting me that I talk to random people about the books I’ve read?”

“Because they drift off somewhere when you share stuff about it?”

“They?”

“Your friends.”

“It’s the only thing that I can talk about and they drift off?”

“You’re so dense you wouldn’t realize it after minutes of talking.”

“I listen to their stories. Oh well, I don’t mind them notlistening. I guess.”

“It’s their stories.”

“And?”

“It’s them. Not a book.”

“But I don’t have a story.”

“Well, stories about you that are intriguing and interesting are the only things that will land you to friendship.”

“The random people I talk to about books seem to enjoy it.”

“You get bored too.”

“Yeah, but I barely talk about books.”

“Cause you barely talk at all.”

“That means…?”

“You’re only talking about other people’s stories and not yours.”

“Maybe I should tell them how messed up my parents are.”

“But they’re not.”

“Oh yeah.”

“They have worse family problems.”

“What would take their interest?”

“Love.”

“Love, HA!”

“It’s so ridiculous to you.”

“Because it is. Do you expect me to tell stories about the guys I like and how they seemingly give me signs that they like me back and then I realize in the end that they really don’t give a shit?”

“They would feel sorry for you and comfort you.”

“And?”

“Be closer to you.”

“But I don’t feel bad and I never think the guys I like, like me back, it’s so embarrassing, for the guy’s sake.”

“You’re so full of pride.”

“I thought I was the opposite.”

“Why?”

“Because I think I don’t have the right to have a crush on them. That it’s embarrassing for them to know that someone like me, likes them.”

“But you’re also constricted.”

“typing…www.thesaurus.com”

“Meaning, you don’t want your friends to see you in a weak state.”

“Well, damn, I sure don’t.”

“Because it damages your pride.”

“I see. But then again, I don’t feel comfortable when people show their weakness so easily. It’s as if saying, PITY ME! OH! YES! OH!”

“Ew.”

“WHAT?!”

“Your erotic self emerges.”

“Be wholesome. Be gone.”

“Ok ok, whatever, I understand you.”

“You’re me.”

“BESIDE THAT POINT. It’s not like you’re showing it easily. You’ve been showing them you cannot stumble for years so I guess it’s ok now to let your friends know you can be madly in love or hurt.”

“But I’m not.”

“Sometimes, you are. Even about little crushes.”

“But it’s just temporary.”

“So is being madly in love…unless you’re married..or whatever.”

“I can shrug it off as easily as..well, shrugging it off.”

“That’s the bad part.”

“Eh? I thought being able to take care of myself, emotionally, is good.”

“Have you watched a skit where the wife let the man open doors and pickle jars for her even though she can?”

“Lets”

“Typo. let it slip.”

“But they’re husband and wife.”

“Dude, I guess it’s the same thing with friends. You let them help you to make them closer to you and perharps you closer to them as well.”

“Huh.”

“Like how you want to help your mom but you know you can’t and you’re irritated that she doesn’t really make you feel you’re helping.”

“But she was crying like there’s no tomorrow. It’s like saying, HEEELP MEEEE. Then when you try to help, she kills you.”

“And the difference with you… is?”

“The difference is that I never cry out. Because I don’t need help. I will cry out if I need help, but in the mean time I do not.”

“You have a heart of stone.”

“Keshi has told me that for years now.”

“Must’ve sunk in then.”

“I don’t like them helping unless I really need one.”

“But you mostly don’t need one and it’s trouble.”

“Don’t they get tired if they help too many friends.”

“Will you?”

“No.”

“Then no.”

“But -”

“Your almighty pride.”

“Shut it.”

“Let loose”

“Foot loose…”

“I’m not going with it.”

“Why not?”

“Whatever. You gotta be more truthful to yourself.”

“I hate being hurt and them knowing I was.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“Well, they never seem to get over it. I will shrug it off
easily with my awesome ability-kidding- but they won’t
stop festering me about it. I bet that even if I say I’m fine
they would think I’m not.”

“Will you really be fine.”

“Of course! If I’m not then I’ll seek for their help!”

“hmm…”

“Their concern will turn to annoyance.”

“How revolting.”

“Typing…www.dictionary.com”

“You despise me.”

“I really don’t know what ‘revolting’ means.”

“By science?”

“By science.”

“By heart?”

“I know.”

“Go with the heart.”

“I’ll make mistakes most of the time.”

“And science?”

“Keeps the facts goin’”

“…Will I ever win this conversation?”

“I always want to win. And you are me. So I guess someday, you will. But for now, since I am also me, I will let myself win. Until I really fall in love. Then I will let you be in control.”

“If you let me be in love.”

“I guess, I wouldn’t be able to stop it.”

“Even if you don’t want to?”

“…Maybe.”

“That will take a long time.”

“We’ll wait and see.”

I saw my classmate’s youtube account and he posted a video that isn’t supposed to be posted. I was forced to take it down a year ago because my teacher said that I shouldn’t post it. Seeing that my classmate had posted I was abashed.

I told him immediately about it when he went online.

[This is how it went, roughly]
Me: You should’ve told me that the video is already allowed to post. I could’ve posted too you know.
Him: Huh? I already told you that, like ages ago. And you said it’s ok, you won’t post it anymore. ['Are you on drugs'  expression]

Then I remember it. It’s so weird that I have forgotten it. I could’ve remembered it when I saw the video but I didn’t.

~*~

Today, I saw a bunch of papers folded in my drawer. I realized that they’re  my sketches. It was dated June, 2009. I have written my story for “recruitment”

I wrote it again this september with almost the same words and the same plot. However when I was writing it two months ago I don’t remember writing the same thing last June.

Sometimes, when I read my stories, my words are all different. They use vocabularies I don’t normally use and sometimes they seem impressive to me. It’s like I didn’t write them.

My memory SUCK.

27 hours left before leaving to HK for 6 days.

I’m not excited. =/ dunno why.